I think I may be having some kind of emotional crisis coming into being here, but I’m not quite sure yet. I can’t quite pinpoint it. I had a short conversation that made me realize that in fact 90% of my friends are married and I have precious few people who I can just call up and hang out. Not saying I don’t hang out with my married friends; it is just there is more structure to their lives. One has to check with the other and things like that. So what spontaneity I have, such as suddenly wanting to go do something or hang out, is largely squashed.
And as a result of this, I’ve largely tried to fill that time by hanging out with some of the teens from the student ministry. That’s not bad either; I’m glad I can be around and provide a safe, positive environment for them. But the beginnings of my crisis evolved today when I made a light-hearted comment that resulted in a mini-lecture. One of those I’ve-kinda-been-thinking-this-and-needed-an-opportunity-to-gently-say-it moments. In the hours that followed, it occurred to me just how much time I really had been spending with them. Too much perhaps. I’m an adult and what I missed in my same-aged friends, I think I have started to try to make up for with some of the teens. And I don’t think this is at all healthy for me. I mean I can be their friend, but there are different lines for different age groups. (As I read back over this, I’m suddenly struck with the story of a friend who perhaps dealt with the same issue. I’ll have to speak to him.)
All afternoon I’ve kinda felt like that awkward adult guy that hangs around teens a little too much. And I know that’s not what was meant. This is probably not something to publish on an online journal being quite personal in nature, but it is actually quite liberating emotionally. See, the reason I can’t quite pinpoint this issue is because I think I may be facing something that I’ve never dreaded or cared about before…loneliness. I’ve always been pretty independent; it’s never bothered me to go-it-alone. But over the last year (as described briefly in another post), I’ve kinda been changing that. And I think today is another result of that inner change.