I seem to be writing more negative posts lately, and I don’t really like that, but the truth is, there’s been a lot of it lately. It seems it is just that season of my life. We all have them from time to time. I’m grateful for my relationship with God, who enables me to get through these turbulent times. It makes me realize a couple things. One, I don’t know how people who don’t know God get through difficult situations with no hope for anything else but what is here. Two, knowing God gives me perspective on my troubles–some of it just really doesn’t matter.
I think I can describe my little valley in life in one word: conflict. There’s lots of it. I had that work conflict dealing with the unscheduled course. (Just an aside here, I have a great boss. She really went to bat for me and settled the situation.) I actually had another work conflict this week. The short of it is, another instructor called me about 15 minutes after I concluded my final exam. She was telling me students were in her office, worried about their grades and she would like to have them. Um, I just left the test! I almost snapped on her, but ended up professionally telling her how frustrated I was that I was getting this call and that I felt like I was being taken advantage of just because I work closely with her. It was just completely inappropriate to do that to me.
Then there was this little snippet regarding a lunch meeting earlier this week. Silly, really, that it came to what it did, but I get a little of where my friend was coming from, even though it was never my intention to cause an intrusion. This and those work conflicts are examples of the things that really don’t matter in the big scheme of thing. God has really taught me through experiences like this to resolve them and move on.
There’s the emotional conflict. I’m not sure how much I want to just put out there on this blog, but let’s just say that to this day I regret a decision I made when a friend came to me to talk about some personal matters. I put on the mask that I always do when I’m scared and I, well, blew it. It sucks and it hurts.
There’s the mental conflict. This actually has to do with something that is very dear to me. That’s my community group. Ever since we did Stations of the Cross for Easter, I’ve had a steadily increase discontent. It is evidenced by the fact that when things come up, I don’t try to re-arrange my schedule like I would before. There has really been a lack of depth for a while, mainly because of what the group has become. It’s an invite-anyone, open-door meeting. Like a house church. That is a needed avenue for people, but as my one source of re-energizing each week, it is not what I need. I’m not comfortable sharing much due to the constant flow of people, and I’m afraid to talk about anything past the “basics” because I’m afraid it won’t make sense. The focus has become serving spiritual “milk” and that’s great for those who need it! But that’s not my place anymore. (More conflict: I get really irritated when I hear ideas for studies that include “what to do about laziness.” Get off your #$@, that’s what you do!) The people that I have grown with, love, and confide in have started another group. I really want to go with them, but the problem is, it’s all couples there. That’s not going to do me any good either, if everything is couples-focused. It’s not a question of whether I feel welcome, but of relevancy. This is a hard one to deal with. I have no sense of direction.
I’m also in spiritual conflict. Well, I guess that’s really the underlying cause of all the conflict I’m having. In the past, I can tell that the quicker I become short with people, the farther I’ve gotten from God. This time is no exception. I used to have a pretty good devotional regime; but then I kept sleeping in a little longer and got out of it. And for some reason, it doesn’t occur to me to pray for the kinds of conflicts that I’ve listed here. So I become less patient, more bottled up, and less likely to pray still. Yes, LESS likely. It’s a paradox that I don’t know how to shake. I know that to get back on the right track, I need to spend time with God. But then I’m so pissed about everything I’m dealing with, I don’t want to.
Well, enough rambling. Please pray for my family, too. My uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer and likely doesn’t have long. No surprise, as he has heavily smoked all his life. Pray for painless time and for the ones who are mourning. It breaks my heart to hear/see my mom cry. In the world of good news, my nephews are graduating from high school. Congrats Justin and Garrett!