I’m Loud, I Wear Green, and I Love the Stars

Last year around this time I wrote a piece about soccer and as I am want to do about now, the third year since my hospitalization, I am reflective and my thoughts took me to hockey.

I’ve been a Dallas Stars fan since 1997, the years in which they surged toward the Stanley Cup (1999). I have my sister to thank for introducing me. I was graduating and would end up moving for college shortly after, living those years in Arkansas until just 4 months ago. So while I followed the Stars, it was more difficult back then to watch consistently. Once out of school I’d catch occasional games but being the only person I knew who was a fan, it just wasn’t the same.

I don’t recall how exactly I found the subreddit for the Dallas Stars, but I do remember how quickly I really enjoyed interacting with fans on the posts made for every game. It was towards the end of the season in 2015. I remember being really sad when the season was over and baseball was ramping up because I’d miss the people. I hopped over to the Texas Rangers sub to participate in the same way, but just knew it wasn’t going to be the same. (And it wasn’t but I really enjoyed this group too, but for different reasons.)

I remember writing up what I was going through in a game thread (which I found on Dec. 3, 2016) and receiving very warm support. It was more than I had felt from “in real life” friends at the time (and that’s where my attitude really started to shift). Every game thread someone would ask how much better I was doing as I continued to recover. And those simple comments really made a world of difference to my mental health. It was around this time one of these redditor’s, a guy who goes by Chiapanacas, reached out to me directly. We started chatting regularly and it wasn’t long before I made the trek to my first game to see the Stars, meeting him and a few other friends from the sub. Stars lost but it was a fun, new experience! Nothing quite like attending a hockey game in person! The atmosphere of an arena is absolutely bonkers!

2017 was a very rough year filled with depression and loneliness yet there was the constant connection with the friends I’d made through the sub. I started taking more trips to Dallas than I’d ever had since college. My connection to Chia and a few other friends grew. I’d started a live chat using Slack and my “online” friends were my source of connection to people. People I knew who cared about me. Coupled with the desire to get away from everything that had caused so much pain, I was filled with the desire to move back to Texas. These friends were there, my teams were there, and my problems were not.

Meeting Taylor (Chia), Shawn, Matt, and John for the first time.

I believe it was playoff time in 2016 when I became a moderator for the Texas Rangers subreddit, and that was the first step in my journey to making moderating my favorite teams’ subs as a major hobby. (They’d put out the call for some help and I answered.) I can’t remember at what point this happened in 2017 but it had to have been in the latter part of that hockey season, one of the mods for the Stars reached out to me saying he wanted to step down and I was recommended as a replacement. Well of course I accepted!

From that point, it was me and one other mod, who did all the amazing coding and design. When the 2017 season was nearing, she reached out to me and said she was stepping down. (It’s a lot of work to maintain the level of code she built so I didn’t really blame her.) For much of the 2017 season, I was left to my own devices. Despite reaching out to the others on the mod list, I was the only one actively doing anything. It wasn’t easy, particularly trying to work with the code because I’d have to spend hours learning and trialing things. But it was fun! We held a couple meetups that I came to, one of the best being when we all splurged for seats in the lower level. Now THAT was a whole new experience, despite the Stars losing!

In 2018, I knew I couldn’t keep going like I was modding by myself, but fortunately one of the mods returned from studying abroad and I also recruited a friend. That season saw our sub explode with followers. In 2016, our game threads would barely reach 200, maybe 300, comments. In 2018, we were commonly reaching 1000 comments. The sub went from around 8,000 to over 15,000 followers! I started arranging AMAs with key Stars production staff and organizing meetups that continued to grow in attendance. It was my pride to be part of enhancing this community of fans; an absolute bright spot in a rather dark time.

Having this group of people to share game experiences with reinvigorated my love for hockey and the Stars more than it ever had been. There is something very valuable in having the commonality and belonging in being a fanatic of a team. Following the Stars for so long, albeit loosely for a while, I’d been through the full gamut of emotions. When we made our playoff run in 2019, I was thrilled to attend my first playoff game. (Unfortunately, we lost that one.)

And here’s where I need to stop and point something out. Up to this day, I had attended, oh, somewhere around 8-12 games, I don’t even remember. But… I had not seen my beloved team win in person. Not once. I seemed to have a curse of coming to Dallas and my team lose. I thought by moving here that would end. Nope! Even the 3-4 I’ve been to since moving here, they’d lose. It became somewhat of a meme amongst my friends, who were damn near set on me never attending a game again, particularly when we were starting the season 1-7-1.

November 23, 2019. The Stars are on an incredible point streak tear completely turning around their dismal start, seemingly invincible against any opponent. I had tickets to the game and met up with a fellow redditor. I was legitimately nervous. I’m not REALLY superstitious–it’s fun to act like it though–but this was a seriously uncanny streak of bad fortunate. Could the Stars’ success overcome my curse? It took every ounce that game–a complete overtime and a shootout–but I finally saw them win. All the emotions tied to this team and my circumstances poured out, and I absolutely (and embarrassingly) cried in relief. Understand the monumental nature of this. Fan since 1997. Attended first home game in 2017. Saw my first win in person in 2019.

So I write this in reflective gratitude on the occasion of their win and the holiday. The friends I’ve forged, the contributions I’ve been entrusted to make, the pride of fandom… like with soccer, this sport and this team have been no small contribution to the positive direction my life has taken. They’ve always been there in the background, but they’ve never been more important.

I’m Loud, I Wear Green, and I Love the Stars

How Soccer Saved Me – A Two Year Reflection

In some ways, it is hard to believe that it has been two years since I was hospitalized with pneumonia and viral meningitis. In other ways, it seems like yesterday. It was a horrific, life-threatening experience followed by even worse trauma of job loss and months long convalescence. I silently leaned in hard on those who expressed their love and support, namely my mom and stepdad, but sadly I succumbed to a mental darkness that still leaves scars to this day. In the many long sorrow-filled days, I learned a lot about where I fit into people’s lives.

That being said, I don’t want those of you who are reading this to be concerned. I am in a much better place. I don’t want to upset anyone, yet I want to be candid because it helps to sort it all out, and for me, writing is a cathartic way to do that.

Days turned into weeks turned into months of depression, darkness, and loneliness. I’ve kind of always been the initiator with friends to hang out, grab some food, play games, and such. But here I was in this deep emotional pit. I had a friend who became my roommate; he was going through his own thing, and our relationship was more of a silent support, which is exactly what I needed. But all that time passed and I became significantly aware of several people who just never reached out. Didn’t seem to care. Weren’t aware of my pain. I stopped being the initator to see how long it would take for some of them to finally reach out to me. The results just worsened my emotional state.

That’s the background I give for this story. Now being the tech geek I am, I was a part of an online community of sports fans. I’m a regular participant of live chats during games. These internet strangers were regularly reaching out to see how my day was. A simple thing but all the difference. I worked my way to having really long conversations with one guy, Taylor, who today is one of my real life best friends.

We met through hockey, but one day he asked me if I watched soccer. I told him the 2014 World Cup was really the first time I paid attention to the sport but I enjoyed it, and after that I tried the English Premier League. But to that point, I just hadn’t latched on to a team and kind of gave up. I had every making of being one of the “once every four year” fans. He said I should give MLS a try. I scoffed. “American soccer. Ha! Right!” But he told me Dallas had a team. “Oh really,” I said. I do love me some hometown, so sure, I’ll watch a game.

I loved it. I loved FC Dallas. I immediately wanted to go to a game. And so I did about a month later. I met up with several of my new friends and Taylor introduced me to a supporter group, El Matador. If you aren’t familiar with SG’s, they are the crazy fanatics who bang, dance, chant, and otherwise get nuts at games. I had the time of my life catching their infectious enthusiasm. And from that day, I was hooked.

I’ve been back for three other games and every trip is memorable. Pre-game tailgating, marching in, unifying in loud voice, getting behind the team. Standing together whether the match go poorly or greatly. I really can’t quite put the words to it. But the belonging gave me something to look forward to in a time when I had absolutely nothing of the sort. El Mat is about la familia. Unity. Their motto is “Siempre Contigo”, meaning always with you. Even from this distance and though I’ve only spent a few hours on a few occasions with these people, their inclusion strengthened me. (I even ended up on Univision talking about it!)

Another of those “game chat” buddies, John, reached out to me this past spring and said he was coming up to Little Rock to cover our soccer team and he thought he recalled me saying I lived there. I knew of the soccer team here but had not gotten around to going. My first thought was “why in the world would you come here to write about a Little Rock team?” But he came on up and I met him. It was the last game of the regular season this year.

Of course, we had to migrate over to the little band of supporters. All I can say is I regret never having gone to a game before that day and I’m so thankful to John for introducing me. The Little Rock Rangers won the game and their first ever bid to playoffs. I didn’t know a thing about them but when the supporters were told they could charge the field, pop smoke, fly flags, and go crazy… I was in!

I went to their home playoff game. I went to packed out watch parties for their away games. I met their bus late at night when they got home. Even got interviewed (again!) by local news on the sense of community surrounding the Rangers. I made a new friend, Ryan, the head of the supporter group Red Watch. I shared a little about how much it meant to find something like this to get behind. Once the season ended, I hoped we’d all stay in touch. (Ryan and I still do.)

I love this team! I’ve only seen a couple games and that’s what makes it kind of crazy. But it is about having motivation when I had absolutely nothing of the sort. I can get behind this, be with people, be part of a group that encourages and supports and takes pride in something. That grassroots efforts of lower league soccer is very fitting of my helper personality.

I wrote something a while back–my last blog post in fact–about those first few days of discovering the Little Rock Rangers. Give it a read, if you want to know more, but that post caught the attention of the team owner. And I’m excited to have met him and to talk about collaborating with the team this coming season!

World Cup 2018 came and I watched every single match. Every single one. At work, on my iPad. At home. Out at a pub. I loved it. That tournament is when I grew fully out of thinking of soccer as an okay sport to one that equally matched my love of baseball and hockey.

Circle back to my group of “chat friends” and when the EPL started back, I was asked who my team was. I told them I was kinda meh on EPL but one of the guys (Walker) talked me into giving it another try. About that time, several things happened to point me to a team. A couple of sports beat writers tweeted about them being fans of Tottenham Hotspur. I asked them why and they pointed me to some team info. I read their history and really enjoyed it. I think I told Ryan one day I had done that and he told me he was a Spurs fan too. It had to be fate!

So I started watching Spurs. I took to Twitter to see if there were any fans around in Arkansas. I was well aware of the large crowds world soccer drew and thought maybe some people got together to watch EPL here in Little Rock. I found an “Arkansas Spurs” twitter account and reached out. A guy named Mark replied to me. They tweeted out a meetup and not knowing a single person or if I’d just end up being there by myself, I went.

The first time it was a handful of guys from the UK and me, the American soccer noob. A little awkward. But I went back. And again. And every game since, I’ve showed up. It was noticed. And appreciated. We started talking about becoming an official “Little Rock Spurs” supporter group. I experienced inclusion in a time when I felt like I had absolutely nothing of the sort. It is good for me to be in the company of others who also look forward to seeing me.

And as a funny little aside that makes it seem all the more “meant to be”, Mark turned out to be the husband of a coworker on my team at Blue Cross. Crazy. Let me tell you, there are some solid dudes in this group. They love Spurs and they love jerking each other around. And I love watching games with them. It is always a good time (especially when we win). And then there was that moment we showed up on national TV!

All of this has meant so much I even did the unthinkable for me and got El Matador’s motto inked onto my upper left arm. A permanent reminder that I am not alone.

Belonging. Motivation. Inclusion. Becoming a fan of soccer and the resulting investment in the relationships forged in supporter groups, I began to find myself again. It was the spark I needed. The energy I drew upon to climb out of the pit. I love this game and I love these people. And they’ve guided me to a place where I no longer look back. No… finally, I look forward to tomorrow.

I hesitate putting a few names in here for fear of leaving someone out who was instrumental in my journey. Being my own good editor, I tried to focus this piece purely on soccer. But there were others in my life who rode along at the same time. My best friend John Bibbs in Dallas is chief among them. He suffered through a lot of my sobbing and spoke candidly to me when I was tired of hearing all the well-intentioned cliche talk of others. And where I lacked in local supportive relationships, some old friends reached out and reconnected. I can definitively say if it weren’t for Michael’s willingness to let me come over at a moment’s notice when I reached out in the darkest of mental places, I don’t know where I would be. And I don’t say THAT as a cliche either. Love the bros of the Sacred Square. I’ve still got a lot to work out but chapters have finally closed. I can’t talk about all of it. But I have the confidence to say I have only to look forward now.

How Soccer Saved Me – A Two Year Reflection

A Heartwarming Story of Lower League Soccer Support

In Little Rock, AR there is an NPSL team who are in their third season. Of course, at this level the players play for free and funding is comparatively pretty sparse. Awareness of the team and league can be even sparser. I myself am really in only my second year of being a soccer fan. I came into it via the 2014 World Cup, tried to latch on to an EPL team, never really did for a couple years, then was prompted to try MLS. When I learned my hometown (Dallas) had a team, I said I’d give it a shot. Watched a couple games on TV, knew I had to go to a match, stood and got crazy with El Matador, and was instantly in love. But I digress… As this all developed, I just never (regrettably) got around to going to the Little Rock Rangers game here until their last game of the season a couple weeks ago at the invitation of a friend on Reddit, who was coming to write about the teams.


You’ll note I said “regrettably”. I had such a fantastic experience at that game. Of course, we gravitated over to the boisterous supporters, who call themselves The Red Watch. Chanting, banging drums, popping smoke bombs, throwing streamers… they do it all. And passionately. At the end of the game, when the ref blew his whistle to send the team to playoffs, (with permission) we stormed the field. What a time!

I knew I’d be going to the playoff game. So I followed The Red Watch on twitter looking for tailgate info. The leader replied to me they were still scrambling to try to put things together in time, so I asked what I could do to help.


Their signature red smoke bombs delivery was not going to make it in time for the game, so he asked me if I knew where to get any locally. So I hit the internet and the phone. For over an hour, I was in complete chaos. The search led me on a rabbit chase of a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy. Finally we found a shop about an hour away and got the goods. I was so excited to have come through for them! That night, the team’s first ever playoff game and playoff victory took place.


Their next match was in Kansas and ~7-8 of The Red Watch traveled to the game, the team picking up the tab for the van rental and gas. The Rangers won on penalty kicks. The next round was in Laredo, TX on Wednesday night and a pub offered their back room for a watch party. IMG_0824So many people were crammed in; I couldn’t believe the turn out. And yes, victory again in extra time. We knocked off the #1 NPSL team in the nation who had not lost a match all season. (And this win guaranteed a US Open Cup spot.) Wow!

But now enter a dilemma. With little funding and the huge expense of traveling to Miami for the south regional final immediately required, the team simply didn’t have the money. The supporters recommended to the owner to try GoFundMe but he was reluctant. However, he posted it on their way back from Laredo. IMG_0842We met the team when they arrived home last night. The players were so appreciative; their faces as they pulled in were priceless. The team captain gave a little speech, many photos were taken, then they were off to home and much needed sleep. And the experience shows how much more than a game it is to people who love this sport. And that sentiment is amplified by the fact that in a little over 24 hours, the travel fund met its $20,000 goal!

In a few short weeks, I have got to witness and participate in all this as a brand new supporter. It has brought joy to me in a time in my life when I have been searching for something to look forward to, and I’ve made new friends that will go beyond the season and the game, and there’s nothing like taking in some local pride! These leagues need our grassroots support. So as those of us cheer on our MLS teams, let’s not forget where some (or many?) of the players come from. If we develop and support our local clubs in these leagues, our pro teams and our favorite sport will only be benefited. I end with this quote from another fan of the Little Rock Rangers:

“Soccer people are different than other sports fans. They’re more hard-core about the sport itself. It’s been much maligned and been called communist. American football fans put it down. When you have this animosity from the outside, soccer fans really tend to support their own.”

Preach, brother.

(Red smoke photo credit to Mike Ortega.)

A Heartwarming Story of Lower League Soccer Support

A Precious Prayer Request

I could really use some prayer support and encouragement right now. I have an 8 year old cat Naomi who is pretty much everything that makes me happy. She got really sick last week and it looked like an infection and kidney problem. This afternoon, her blood levels didn’t change so the vet did an ultrasound. It indicated an enlarged kidney. He did a radiograph. She’s got a stone in her right kidney and the kidney itself is really small, possibly non-functional. The left kidney is huge, probably making up for it. He took a urine culture. It will take 3-4 days to get it back. He is trying to see what specific antibiotic is needed. If and once he can fix the infection, then he can determine if the kidneys will return to normal or… basically if it is over. She is currently eating and drinking and using the litter. Pretty low on energy but still exhibiting a few signs of her personality. Best case is sounding like she would have fluid treatment the rest of her life.

I’m pretty much in just full meltdown mode. If I’m just waiting for the end, I don’t know how to get through it. And I have to focus on some important work things coming up this week, which may include having to be away Thursday night/Friday. And I’m simply going to be beside myself the whole time.

So basically I’m a wreck. I don’t even know how to pet her or hold her or hear her purr without being overcome but the deepest grief. I’ve got to figure out how to deal with the enormous expenses. And after everything I’ve been through I’m just crying out to Jesus for strength. To call on the grace and faith He has given me and not run away from it again in the face of more hardship. But most of all for healing for my baby girl.

I’m sorry if you aren’t a pet person and this all seems weird to you. But thank you all the same for lifting Naomi and I up in prayer.

A Precious Prayer Request

A History of Amazon  Orders

Inspired by a tech writer a follow on Twitter, I thought it would be interesting to look back at my Amazon history. I got started way back in 1999, when there were still dead tree books and little silver discs that held music files. Nowadays, my online shopping has shifted to “everyday” items. As technology has changed, so have my habits. I think there is revelation to be found in looking back at something like this. How my life has changed, reflected by what I found valuable to me (in my purchases). And also how my life has been changed by products and services and technology. This is probably interesting to no one but me, but hey, it’s a fun exercise.

1999 – 2 orders: book and CD

  • I’ve long since sold all my Star Wars books on resale sites and the CD is a soundtrack I have ripped and still have in a playlist.

2000 – 3 orders: movies

  • Two of the orders were gifts. I still have the third but have literally never watched it. It is the CNN recap of the worldwide celebrations of 2000 New Years Day.

2001 – 4 orders: books and movie

  • Again, the Star Wars books are resold. The movie is still on my shelf.

2002 – 2 orders: book and board game

  • It’s a party game, not one I have any more.

2003 – 2 orders: book and board game

  • I have absolutely no recollection of buying the board game, Axis and Allies. I’ve never played that game. Maybe it was a gift?

2004 – 2 orders: CDs and how-to book

  • The music is digitized in my library still to this day.
  • I don’t remember ever trying to use Adobe Premiere Pro for video editing. I’ve always used Final Cut. Weird.

2005 – 1 order: book

2006 – No orders. Huh…

2007 – 2 orders: TV and movies

  • I had this TV right up until last October. Crazy, I knew it was an older TV but not that it was 10 years. I donated it; not sure where it ended up.
  • Looks like this is also when I decided to go blu-ray. You’ll remember there was a format battle between blu-ray and HD-DVD. I placed my bets on blu-ray and that’s what ended up winning out!

2008 – 6 orders: movies, books, gifts

  • I still have 2 of 4 movies. Well, one was a TV series box set that I don’t have anymore. With Netflix, what’s the point of owning TV shows?
  • One gift was an under-counter CD player my mom asked for Christmas. I actually think I saw that sitting in the living room this Christmas. Not sure if it is still used, but it is out where it can be!

2009 – 10 orders: books, gadgets, gifts

  • This is the year I read the enormous Wheel of Time series.
  • Looks like I also upgraded my dash radio in my old truck that year.

2010 – 6 orders: clothes, Kindle, video game

  • Ahhh, so here’s where I switched to e-books. Oh my, I opted to try the giant 10″ Kindle DX. I remember being really hung up on not wanting to turn the page so often on the smaller screen. But the big Kindle was just too much and I sold it to a guy internationally.
  • Team logo apparel for Texas Longhorns and Dallas Stars. Still have those in my closet, although the Stars have since rebranded.

2011 – 30 orders: board games, video games, movies, gadgets, bike accessories

  • Bought the PS3 this year and several games. The PS3 has found a great home at a friend’s.
  • Looks like I bought the Macbook Air that year because there are a few accessories and cables for it. Also a couple iPhone accessories for the car.
  • I settled on the smaller Kindle early in the year, passed that on to a family member, and upgraded to the first touch screen Kindle. The case I got, I still use.
  • Apparently I tried to be more mindful of exercise this year. I got a bicycle and some basic home gym accessories. I ended up liking to ride on pavement more than trails so I sold my bike with the intention of switching to a road bike, but never did. And I definitely never worked out at home. Haha.

2012 – 37 orders: kitchen gear, movies, gadgets, board games

  • I’m starting to get really fascinated by looking back at all this. This is the year I got into cooking. There are all sorts of orders, from chef knives to stand mixer.
  • At this point I’m upgrading my DVDs to blu-rays more consistently, despite saying I wouldn’t do that.
  • The board games I bought are now the ones I play with my group of friends. It would be the start of a multi-year streak of playing on a weekly basis. Some good memories there. Hate that life took its turn and we play much less frequently now. Bummer.

2013 – 23 orders: movies, travel gear, board games, gadgets

  • Quite a big order of one particular board game, Star Wars X-Wing. I ended up hating it and sold it all for probably half what I paid for it. Ugh.
  • The travel gear was purchased in preparation for my first baseball stadium tour vacation. I’ve been on two of those. Hope to get another one in this year! Thinking of heading due north.

2014 – 31 orders: movies, video games, gadgets, kitchenware, board games

  • The year of the PS4. I remember having to purchase a headset a few times because Naomi loves to chew on thin wires. Not only my PS4 headset but my iPhone ones too.
  • I started changing out my plates and bowls to Fiestaware. Very fun and colorful. Still use these today.
  • Among the gadgets I bought, there is small bluetooth speaker I still use in the bathroom when getting ready.

2015 – 37 orders: gadgets, movies, hypoallergenic products, board games, kitchen gear

  • I upgraded my car’s dash system with an Apple CarPlay touchscreen and a backup camera.
  • I tried out a new Kindle called the Voyage but it was plagued by a pesky two-toned screen issue. Unresolved, I ended up returning it.
  • This year I got super snobby about coffee and started doing the pour-over method with Chemex. I’ve done that since then until just recently.
  • I started allergy treatments this year when I finally went to an allergist to see why I was having such trouble, particularly at night. Turns out I developed allergies to cats. Despite most people telling me to get rid of Naomi (which would really piss me off), I pursued treatment. Got hypoallergenic bedding and a HEPA filter to help. Treatments are going well, by the way!
  • I also started getting into smart home products this year. Started out with a video doorbell that I can answer from anywhere. I’ve upgraded since the original.

2016 – 36 orders: gadgets, movies, household items

  • Added several other smart home devices like thermostat, lights, door locks, and (most recently) garage door opener. Really fun stuff when I can just say “Hey Siri, I’m home” and my whole house adjusts the way I’ve set it.
  • Amazon came out with Dash Buttons for household products, like detergent, paper products, etc. I wanted to try them out. You stick them somewhere, set it up to the item you want, and when you need it, you just push the button. Two days later, it arrives. I’ll never have to shop at a store like an animal again!

2017 – 40 orders: movies, gadgets, board games, household items

  • Despite it being a pretty bad year for me personally, once things started turning around, I celebrated by making it the year of the upgrade! New TV 4k HDR TV and audio receiver. PS4 Pro. Some upgrades to the home network.
  • Got me a really nice coffee pot by Oxo that is highly rated as replicating the pour-over method excellently. Been doing that to this day. Sure is nice to wake up with it ready!

Summing it all up, it started out for me as a book- and music- store, but books and music have become downloadable content. I still hang on to physical media for movies because I find them superior to streaming them, but the end is nigh for blu-rays too. I bought into a lot of technology (and a little ashamed at how much I’ve spent, but let’s be real, am I going to change?). As Amazon made it easier to order routine items that would previously require going to the store, I’ve largely started having them delivered to me. Lots of retail, grocery, and restaurants are trying to stay viable by doing the same now. I once heard that the invention of the garage door opener led to greater isolation among neighbors, because you no longer had to get out and chance greeting people next door. I wonder if we’re going to isolate ourselves even further by having everything we want and need come to us. It’s a cautious thing, but as our society just continues to increase pace and busyness, and is more connected than ever, I doubt the issues will outweigh the convenience.

A History of Amazon  Orders